Where are different places that seniors can live?
https://www.kathysconsulting.com/
Where should Dad live
Sat, 7/2 1:06PM • 12:49
SUMMARY KEYWORDS
dad, hire, talk, caregiver, meals, yard, home, people, live, move, apartment, bedroom, downsize, nursing home, building, adult children, house, loved ones, clean, care
SPEAKERS
Katherine Cocks
Katherine Cocks00:02
Hi, my name is Kathy. I've been a geriatric nurse for over 10 years. Many times when I would meet with family members of aged loved ones, they didn't always know what to do. I started this podcast knowledge for caregivers, to assist them with practical suggestions as they assist their own loved ones age with dignity and grace.
Katherine Cocks00:36
I want to welcome you back to this episode. I came out late last week with my episode because I had to rush to Alabama to help my dad move into independent living. If you are helping any age of loved ones, you know that moving and where people live is a very hot topic of conflict. And it can be something that is talked about a lot and can cause a lot of arguments and frustrations. So I'm just going to talk about where are different places that older people can live. And just some tips on how to approach that conversation. So of course, most people want to stay in their own home. I don't know what it is, they just don't want to move. Some people I know it's memories, their spouse was there, their kids were there. And they have a lot of memories. But I think a lot of it is they're comfortable. That's what my dad kept saying, when we would talk about he goes, I'm just comfortable here, the thought of going through stuff, packing up stuff, even if we were going to do it as the kids can be overwhelming. I moved so much in my life as a child as an adult, that my husband sometimes talks about moving and I'm just like, I don't want to do it, I don't want to go through that whole process of going through stuff, packing up stuff, changing everything, it's a pain the older you get. So I think some of it is that and just the resistance to change, and they want to still be in control. And that's why older people don't want to move. One of the options to stay home is a person's own home, it's important when they are going to stay home is to look at their home, from the lens of safety. So you can get a physical therapist and occupational therapist or a nurse to look at your home and see what needs to be done. Sometimes they need a walk in shower, or they might need handlebars, they might need a chairlift, they might need some lights that light up when they walk into the bathroom. There are lots of things that they might need. So it's important when your loved one says I want to stay home is okay, if we're going to stay home, these are the things we need to do to make the home safe. The other thing is if they can't manage their yard, they may need to hire a yard guy. If they can't change light bulbs, they may need to hire a handyman. If they can't keep their home clean or prepare meals, they may need to hire someone to do that. So it's important to look at all of those aspects. When a person chooses to stay home, they're going to want to probably stay home. So remember to write these things down. The biggest tip I tell adult children, or those working with older loved ones, and they say I want to stay home is do not step in and rescue them from everything. You've got to set healthy boundaries and be realistic from the beginning. So you might come in and say, Okay, I'm gonna get your house really clean. After that you need to hire somebody, but I can come every two weeks for about two hours. That's the time I have, or two nights a week I can bring you meals. Because if you come in and do everything for them, they're not going to hire help. They're not going to want to move, why should they they're getting free help from you. If you can do that, and you want to do that, that's fine. But if you don't have the time to do that, and you resent that, then you're gonna get to a point that I have seen so many of my adult children, they're burnt out, they're crying, they're mad. They don't want to deal with their parents anymore. So remember, set those boundaries early. They are adults, they can make their own decisions. But that doesn't mean that we have to come in and wait on them hand and foot. They are not our responsibility unless you have been appointed by a court as a guardian. I don't mean responsibility in that we're not going to help our parents. I mean, I helped my dad move, my brothers are going to help them sell the house. A lot of those things are things at 90, he's not going to be able to do as well. The second place that sometimes older adults move into is with their children. They may already have a spare bedroom, they may have to do a remodeling of maybe the bathroom. They get along and it turns out to be a good arrangement. Again, this is an important time to set boundaries and say we're going to have some times that we're not going to be here do we need to hire help? are different things like that. So just make sure to talk about those things and then write them down. That's the one thing I regret that I didn't do with my dad. My mom wanted this big house that she could entertain all the grandchildren in and have Christmas and Thanksgiving at her house. But when mom passed away, Dad doesn't want to do that. Now, the reason he kept that house was he was building Habitat homes, and he had a lot of tools. He built stuff for everyone. And he had his own life. He was playing tennis, building things. He even went through valve replacement, open heart surgery came through with flying colors. He was doing great. We were all sort of we would get together but dad was living his life. And then the pandemic hit and dad was already having trouble walking, and then he couldn't walk very well. So he stopped cooking, he stopped cleaning, he could barely manage his yard. The kids kind of checked up on him. And then it was like a we've been talking about moving because we had seen this, but he didn't want to move. But he had a bad spell. He couldn't take care of himself. And that kind of scared him a little bit and the doctor told him it was time to move. So we've already done our research. And so when he said it was time, we pulled the plug and we helped him move. A third place that people can live is specific senior living communities. When I talk about these I'm talking about there are houses you can either rent or buy. There are apartments, there's townhomes. And the community you pay into a homeowner's association fee will take care of the outside maintenance mowing the yard, where my mother in law and father in law lived they lived in a three story house. Well, they downsize to a small duplex but the homeowner association mows their yard changes this shingles on the roof paint the outside of the house, all they have to do is keep the inside of the house clean cook their own meals. So those are another options. And a lot of those senior communities are also available for people who have lower income. Now another place that people can move to is called Independent Living. Now this tends to be like a big building. And there are apartments inside and there's hallways and elevators, and there's a lot of things in independent living like there's a salon to get your hair cut to get your nails trim, they usually provide transportation. So if driving is a problem. They'll take you to a doctor appointments. They usually provide meals to big meals and then leftovers you can take and heat up. They usually have a little kitchenette, and a one bedroom or studio or two bedrooms depending on how big you want your apartment to be. That's the one my dad chose to move into was this independent living. They also tend to have activities. I don't know if my dad's going to do them. He is now where he can at least get meals and they will also clean his apartment and wash his sheets once a week. If your parents decide to move, the one thing I tell people is try to keep some familiarity with the area. When my father in law who has dementia, they downsized. I set up his bedroom just like his other bedroom. And he was at daycare, he came home, he does Wow, this looks just like my other room. And then he was happy. The same thing with my dad, we set up his TV room, just like his TV room back at home. He'd gotten his recliner chair. And then he was like, oh, there's not that much difference, I can still watch a lot of TV. We hope eventually he'll go do some activities. He at least has a place where he can get his meals prepared for him. If an individual though is having trouble, say managing their medications, or they're having trouble taking a shower, they need just a little bit of help. Then there are assisted livings, there's basically two kinds that I know of. There's the bigger kind that has like 30 or 40 people on a hallway or several wings. And then there's people who will buy homes that have four or five bedrooms, and they will modify them for handicap accessibility, hire one caregiver for each shift. And then they sort of feel like they have a family environment with the same caregiver. It's just best to think what's best for my family member and look at all those options. If a person is at risk of wandering, or they already have a lot of memory problems, they will go to memory care. A Memory Care is almost always a locked unit. It's usually simpler. They usually have less activities, they kind of monitor them a little bit closer, and that kind of helps them to relax. The last place that a person can move to is a nursing home or we call it long term care. And a lot of people you know they get this bad vibe a nursing home I don't want to go to a nursing home and I get it nursing homes are hard places and that by the time a person needs nursing home level of care, there's a lot going on with them. Maybe they can't feed themselves at all. Maybe they have a PEG tube, maybe they have severe diabetes, maybe they've had a leg amputated. Maybe these people have very severe dementia and memory problems.
Katherine Cocks10:14
So it's a hard place. I know that people work very hard in nursing homes to try to provide great care. It's very hard right now there's a severe shortage. And it's the hardest place to work. When you look at all these other options that aides and nurses can work at, that isn't as hard. So all you can do is look for the best nursing home possible, look at reviews, visit them, and do all of that. If you think it's time for your parents to move, and they don't want to move, the one thing I say, go ahead and start calling and looking. Because when my dad had an episode, and he couldn't kind of take care of himself, and the doctor said, it's time to move. He was ready. So we had already been talking to people, we were able to show him, you know, just one place, it's exhausting to visit eight to 10 places. And so dad liked it. We pulled the plug, we signed the contract, and dad got moved all his kids came in and helped him and got him moved safely and that my brothers who live in Alabama will then work on getting rid of all this stuff, selling his home. And there are organizations out there. If you want to hire real estate, there's people that will help you downsize, there are people that will help you have estate sales, if you want to pay for those kinds of things. So there's all kinds of services out there that I'm not going to really go through now. But maybe on another episode about what you can use to help you when you do decide to move and probably have to downsize. Thank you for going on this caregiving journey with me because I'm passionate to help people learn how to navigate this aging process and to do it successfully. I hope you have enjoyed this podcast. If you have found it helpful, then share it. If you wish to contact me for consulting services you can reach me at www.Kathysconsulting.com and Kathy's is spelled K A Thys. Remember, all content is meant for informational purposes only and not to replace the advice of health care professionals.