You can't let guilt block you from dragging you down.
https://www.kathysconsulting.com/
Welcome to knowledge for caregivers. My name is Kathy, the host of this podcast. Since I have been a geriatric nurse for almost 10 years helping seniors age in place, I'm going to give you the knowledge that I used to help my own family, so you can help your family. I want to welcome everyone back to the show.
And I want to talk a little bit about guilt, and making decisions and trying the best that you can. Recently I talked to somebody who three years ago was trying to move their family into an assisted living facility, but the family was very resistant, their parents did not want to move and they were honoring that and they were trying to help them. But the same night, the parents had gotten into a routine and then the pandemic hit and their parents became isolated. At that point, the dementia got worse for their mom, their dad got frailer. And then now, it's just kind of become a little bit of a mess. And they've they're having to move their parents into a facility because they cannot live at home anymore. One of the things that we talked about was this is emotionally very, very hard.
Anytime that we are moving a loved one, from their home, even to our own home, into a different place into a facility. It is emotionally exhausting and draining. Sometimes they can be part of that decision. Or sometimes we respect their decision, even if we don't feel like the decision they make is the safest. But there sometimes comes a point where they can no longer make that decision. And we have to make that decision for them. They're going to probably be angry at us, they're going to probably say things that are hurtful, we have to sort of be a little resilient, that's a new word, people have been coming up about resiliency, and we have to realize that it's going to be emotionally hard. They're going to say take me home, they're going to probably try to make you feel guilty. They're going to be angry.
I had a gentleman call me once and he had been moved to a facility and he called and he said I want to go home, he had seen an advertisement for the agency that I worked for. And I recognized as I was talking to him that probably someone had made the decision to move him into a facility. And I told him, I said, Why don't you call. And at that time, it was his spouse who had made the decision to move him. I said, I'm gonna give you my name and number, why don't you call your wife and have her call me and talk to me. I did not want to give this gentleman any false hope that he could go home. Just because I work in a business doesn't mean that I don't recognize, hey, maybe this person needs to be in a facility. So his wife called me a couple days later. And she said, I'm so glad that you didn't try to encourage him to come home, she goes, I had to move him I could no longer take care of him. It was the hardest decision I've made. And I'm glad that moment, you know, I wasn't trying to make a sale like oh, okay, I'm going to try to get you home, and we're going to take care of you. Because mainly, that's what I do is I help people stay home. But I do recognize that there's a time when they can't stay home anymore.
And sometimes people have decided they want to stay home and they fall and they break a hip. And then they're in worse shape. And then the kids like we should have made them move. So the one thing I want to talk about is guilt. I know what it's like to have grown children, and I look back on my child rearing and I loved my kids, I did the best I could I'm sure that I made mistakes. I mean, I can look back and tell you mistakes that I've made. I've talked to parents currently about things and I was like, you know, I had done it over. And I see the same thing in your child, I would have done it a little differently. But I can't beat myself up because I wasn't a perfect parent. And I couldn't see what was ahead and what I needed to deal with right away. The same thing comes when you're dealing with your loved ones, sometimes you're putting one foot in front of the other foot and you're making the very best decisions that you can.
I don't know what it's like in other parts of the world. But our healthcare system can feel very fragmented. You've got one person telling you one thing, and then for instance, if they're in the hospital, you have a case manager, but then when the case manager takes off, you have to fill in case manager and even though they can read the notes is not the same as talking to you and getting a feel for what your parents or your loved ones need. And so many times you're just trying to make decisions that are very important have to sometimes be made quickly. And yet you just don't feel like you know, everything that you need to know. It's one reason I started this podcast, so that I could try to give people as much information as I can before they get to that crisis mode.
So if your parents are living at home, and you're thinking okay, they don't want to move but maybe someday They will move, then what I recommend is go look at facilities so that if something happens, and they end up in the hospital and they become too weak, and they can't go back home, you're not scrambling to look for a place for them to live, you've already looked at some places, and you've already made a decision of what you're going to do. Or you have looked at your home, and you've talked about with your family when they can no longer live in their home.
And you have looked at remodeling part of your home so that they can move in there. I recently had an older lady move to Oklahoma from another part of the country to move in with her children. I think they were worried about her being so far away. Well, she said, they're all working from home, and she's in the way and she has decided to move to an independent living, so that she could have a little bit more of her own life without feeling like she was underfoot with her children. And I thought that was a really wise move that she made. And the children in that situation should not feel guilty and be like, well, Mom, we didn't mean to make you feel that way. At that time, she's making the best decision for herself and for what she feels like is good for her adult children who are trying to work from home, during this pandemic, or maybe a new normal that some of us will be going through. When we are making a decision for our loved ones, we have to not just take into account our loved ones, we have to take into account our own mental health, our physical health, our own spiritual health.
And we have to look at it in an all encompassing way. I was talking to someone whose dad was the primary caregiver for dementia, Mom, dad went to the hospital. Now all of a sudden the kids had to step in. She goes, I would love to be able to retire and take care of my mom. But I don't think I can do it emotionally, physically or spiritually, when we recognize, hey, this is a limit that I breached. Because I have seen family members literally tear their health apart, trying to do what they think they have to do to keep that loved one happy by maybe either keeping them home or moving them or remodeling their house or moving them with in with the children. There's no right answer. But the thing is to start talking about those things before they happen. So you can get a feel okay, where would you like to live? When you can no longer live at home? Do you want to bring help into the home? Do you want to remodel your home so it can be safe? Again, I talk a lot about these conversations. And I drive my dad a little bit crazy, because I'm always having these conversations with him. And he's like, healthy, and he's like, I'm not even that sick, even though I'm almost 90. Why are you talking to me about where do I want to live? He goes, it might happen someday in the future. And I'm like, that's fine. But I need to know what your wishes are.
And what you can also afford, for instance, the most expensive care is 24 hour private duty care in the home. Now, some people can't afford that. But private duty care is usually an aide helping you sometimes people's medical needs become so great that they need nurses to take care of them. Well, then when you're looking at nurses coming in your home 24 hours a day, that is only going to be able to be afforded by the very wealthy, even your above average middle class person is not going to be able to afford that. At some point, they may still have to move into a facility where they can get nursing care. So all of those things are different. And the emotionally, these things are hard. I wish they weren't, I wish it was just oh, okay, mom and dad are moving, everything's great. Her mom and dad are not moving, we're living at home, but they keep falling or we're worried about their safety. The other thing is your loved ones, if they are not having dementia, or if they are not mentally declared incompetent, they get to make their own decisions. We may not like those decisions, but they do get to make those decisions. So unless they're driving on the road, and they're driving is really bad, and they're going to kill somebody. Yes, at that moment, we can intervene with the state authorities to maybe take away their driver's license. But if they still want to live at home, then they get that choice, their home may be dirty. Their home may not be the way you want it to be. But it's still their decision. And we have to step away and say that's their decision. And I can't feel guilty about it.
But we also have to turn around. And if we're having to manage things and we're like I'm trying to manage a job and children and I need to move my family member then we also can't feel guilty about that. And we have to tell ourselves, we're making the best decision we can in real time for our loved ones. One of the things people think, gosh, once I make a decision, I cannot change it. That is not true. You can move somebody into a facility. I've had people move into a facility go That was not the right fit for them. Look for another facility.Okay, I think I'm going to remodel my house and move mom and dad in with me and get some help. Well, you can do that. If it doesn't work out. You can still move them into a facility Sometimes I think people think when they make a decision, it's final, and you can't change it. And that's not true, you always can change it. But change it based on conversations that you have with people in the industry, with family members, and reach the best consensus that you can for that individual. And then just keep going forward and learning. And when the guilt tries to come, that's when you've got to say, I cannot feel guilty about this, I love my parents or whoever you're taking care of, and I'm making the best decision that I can for them, we got to really shut down the guilt, so that we can really think clearly, and make those decisions that we need to make for our loved ones, or monitor them, if they're making their own decisions and realize that they are still adults. And they still get to make their own decisions. Even if those decisions, for instance, wanting to stay home, lead to them falling and getting injured, that is a risk that they might want to take. And that might be more important to them than safety.
And that's kind of hard sometimes to accept the main thing I just want to talk about, if you're feeling a lot of guilt, then get some mental health and get some counseling to deal with that guilt. Because you don't want to make decisions out of guilt, because you're going to resent your loved one. If you do. Thank you for listening. And I appreciate this community, whether you're listening to learn about your parents before they reach that stage, or you're listening because they are in that stage and you're trying to figure things out. We're all trying to figure things out. I'm still trying to figure things out with my loved ones and I am fairly educated about this industry. So just keep taking care of them and keep making sure that you are doing it emotionally, physically, spiritually healthy.
Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast. The information that I am giving is meant for informational or educational purposes. They are not meant to replace the advice and consent of a person's primary care doctor or physician. If you wish to send me an email, you can do it at info inf o at symbol, Cathy's consulting KTHYSCO en su lting.com. Or you can check out my website at Cathy's consulting.com I would love to hear from you. Thank you for going on this caregiving journey with me