What we talk about determines our attitude? We need to change our self talk to deal with the stress of caregiver.
https://www.kathysconsulting.com/
Hi, I am Kathy, and the host of this podcast. I have been a geriatric nurse, and helping seniors and their families for the past 10 years. I am passionate to educate all those who are on this caregiving journey with me.
Today, I want to talk about self talk. And people think, Oh, you talk to yourself, you must be having some kind of issues, and they'll probably take their hand, roll it, you know, in a circle by your head and say, You're a little bit off. But the reality is, if you're anything like me, your brain is always talking to yourself. It might be daydreaming about sunshine, beaches, and no cares. I daydream about winning the lottery and having millions of dollars and I'm able to buy a totally handicap accessible all one level house with a level driveway for my in laws and my dad. But then a lot of times our talk is, Oh, you made a mistake. This didn't work out, you don't know what you're doing.
Just this week, I went to someone's house, the son had been working in another country. He'd been there for quite a while, had met somebody that was special to him. But when the pandemic happened, he came back to the states and he didn't have a job now. So he moved in with his mother, and was helping take care of her. She has just what we call mild dementia. She doesn't drive but she can basically take care of herself, eats fine, takes a shower, fine, gets dressed fine goes to the bathroom fine. She does sometimes I think forget to eat. So they're a little concerned about that. Well, this son was deciding to go back to this other country for a couple of weeks and wanted to hire our caregivers to come out there. And you know, make sure mom was doing okay and eating. And he kept asking me, you know, is she going to be okay? Are you guys gonna be able to take care of her. Then he finally said, Am I a bad son.
I knew then, that this person was talking to himself about the fact that he had a life to live. And yet, as the only son felt an obligation to help his mother, part of him was like many family members that I meet, he would rather that his mother moved into assisted living place where she could be around other people, but also where she would have 24 hour supervision, that she would have meals prepared for her and activities prepared for her and people to hang out, so that he could go back to work wherever he wanted to, even if it was in another country. And that's just a hard place to be because his mother was very resistant to having someone come in the house much less thinking about moving to a facility. And that is just sort of this battle and tension. I'm constantly seeing, even when you have somebody in the family that's working with you and is willing to do those things. We're just working through this time that we began to become involved in our loved ones life.
Most of time. It's it's adult children getting involved in their parents lives having to begin to help them. Sometimes it can be just something small, like helping with the checkbook. For me, I have my in laws, and I have my dad, my dad lives 12 hours away, my in laws live 20 hours away. Thankfully, there is my sister in law who helps them. But I manage a lot of this stuff because I know the industry. Well about six weeks ago, my father in law went to the hospital, they ran all kinds of tests found out he just had a bladder infection. But with any older person that goes to the hospital, he gets weak. And I knew that he needed to go to rehab to get his strength back so that my mother in law could take care of him. Well, I told her tell the case manager and if you need to just listen to my past episode, it was just the one I put out before this one about case managers and said tell the case manager that you don't think you can take care of him at home and you want him to go to rehab. His insurance only had two places and so she picked the rehab that was closer to her house because she wanted to be able to go down and visit her husband. As soon as he got settled in. She did not like the place. She said it was dirty. They didn't have enough staff. And now she was going up there every day, trying to make sure he was being taken care of. She was just worried and she wasn't getting any rest. She was exhausted. She had to park a long way away and walk. She had to be constantly picking up his clothes and taking them home and washing them because she didn't feel like they were Getting clean at the facility.
This whole time, I'm beginning to feel really bad because I'm the one that really talked to her and said, Hey, we really need to get my father in law into a rehab, get his strength back before he can come home. Thankfully, she was able to work with a insurance and get him into assisted living for a couple of weeks to get his strength back before he came home. But like I said, I was kind of beat myself up, I felt bad that I was the one that insisted he go to rehab, but I wasn't the one that would know that this would not be end up being a good place for my father in law. My mother in law kept saying it's okay, it's not your fault. But I felt like it was my fault. And that's what I was talking about that self talk, we have to give ourselves room to grow and learn. And we have to realize that our loved ones, unless they're having severe dementia, where they can no longer make any decisions for themselves have to be a part of this process. And you can't just take away their ability to make decisions and make them for them.
I recently went to a seminar that was run by a group here in Oklahoma, and they focus on selling homes and moving older people downsizing into either a smaller home or an apartment or into a facility. When she started her business, she went and did all these studies of people in facility to find out, you know, what helped you with the move, what didn't help you with the move. And what she found out is many of them were angry at their adult children or their family member for making them move. So she wanted to find a different way to do it, so that the transition would happen, but they also wouldn't be angry.
So therefore this son, he goes, am I a bad son, he's leaving a mom at home, not sure that all her needs will get taken care of not sure if maybe something will happen. And she will be alone. But at the other hand, those who forced their families to move and put a lot of pressure on them. They have family members that now resent them. We have to talk to ourselves and say, You know what, I love my family member, I'm doing the best that I can. And when I do something that doesn't work, then I'm going to pivot and do something else. We have to be okay with making mistakes. I know that's hard, because we feel like we're responsible for everything.
I remember, when I was talking to my counselor, it was kind of funny, because I was here talking about my anxiety. And she said, Oh, I have a daughter. And she's worried her mother doesn't want to do these things. She's worried that she's going to get called by Adult Protective Services, because her mother is refusing to move or to do something. I'm not sure if the home was really safe. And I said honestly, it's their decision, as the senior, as long as they are capable. It is their decision to make whether they want medical treatment or don't get medical treatment, whether they want to stay home or whether they want to move.
I know my own dad, he was building habitat, homes playing tennis, very active. And then the pandemic hit. And he went home, sat in his chair for the last year and a half watch TV, took care of his two cats turn the TV up really loud because he didn't want to get hearing aids, us kids had been working with him, hey, we'll help you get some hearing aids Nope, don't want hearing aids, don't want to get out and do anything. And then he says Why can't I walk and I said, Well, when you're 90, and you don't get up and exercise and walk around, you're going to lose what you have quicker. And it's going to be harder to get back my dad doesn't need his tools. And a long time ago, he had said when I don't need my tools to work habitat, I will move. But now he's like, Well, I'm comfortable where I'm at. My dad is a very social person. He loves to be around people, I think personally an independent living place where they allow him to bring his cats would be a place that my dad would really enjoy. But he says he's comfortable in his house. And this is the way he wants to live. I can't do anything about it. I can't do anything about the fact that it took so long to get hearing aids which he finally got but hearing aids take a lot of getting used to. So he comes to family gatherings, and he can't really participate anymore. Those are his choices. There was nothing I could do to change that trajectory, even though I knew that people who delay getting hearing aids will tend to have more chances of getting dementia and they also feel like they can't participate.
So that's what I talk about is the guilt, the self talk. I'm sure that I've covered this in other places, but I just wanted to remind not just my listeners but myself that okay, it didn't always turn out the way I wanted. It may have been a decision and then we're like okay, That's definitely not a good rehab place to go for my father in law. Now we know we were able to mitigate it and get something else done. And nothing bad happen, though I will tell you I've had people who refuse to move, or they wanted to stay home or they didn't want to get any exercise, and they've fallen. And the kids just like, I feel so guilty, and I get it. I'm here with you. But we've got to change how we talk and realize that we're in a collaborative situation with our loved ones, unless they are declared mentally incompetent. We have to work with what we have, or unless the state comes in and says this person cannot live at home anymore, because it's not safe. So let's change the way we talk to ourselves and go, I'm going to make mistakes. My parents are going to make mistakes. But we're all working together to make the best decision and I have to remind myself constantly. It's okay, I'm three weeks late on this podcast. I'm kind of beat myself up trying to get it out every two weeks, but I had a son get married and my foots bothering me again. And then I heard someone say, you just got to give yourself some space for life for things that are happening. So thank you for going on this caregiving journey with me.
If you have any questions, feel free to check out my website or if you want to have any consulting done, check out my website and let me know and I will be happy to do that. If you liked the podcast, share it. See the show notes for more information. If you want to see resources or set up consultation services for your unique family needs, go to www.Kathysconsulting.com Remember, all content is for informational purposes and not meant to replace consultation with a medical professional